Smoking flax...
"Behold! My Servant whom I have chosen, My Beloved in whom My soul is well pleased! I will put My Spirit upon Him, And He will declare justice to the Gentiles. He will not quarrel nor cry out, Nor will anyone hear His voice in the streets. A bruised reed He will not break, And smoking flax He will not quench, Till He sends forth justice to victory; And in His name Gentiles will trust." Matthew 12:18-21
Oil lamps were used in Biblical times to serve them as our light bulbs serve us today. A flax, or wick, would be put in a clay pot filled with oil, and then the flax would be lit to give light to the room. But sometimes, the oil ran low, or the flax would need to be trimmed to keep the fire burning. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the light would fade as the flax got older.
So, as I sit here on the last day of the Refreshing Conference, I am finding that I am drawn to the tenderness of Jesus. I know I hear Him. I prayed on Friday as the team was arriving Isaiah 56:1-7. I prayed that was what God would do in our midst. Eddie B from IHOP tried to preach Isaiah 56:7 three times, and God decided to do show and tell instead. And yet, though I know my prayers made the difference there, I am not feeling refreshed. I am feeling like a smoking flax.
I need my vision to be above the cloud cover that I see so often around me. I'll never forget the day the Lord spoke that to me. And Eddie spoke about it this weekend. Yet, I find that life below the clouds is amazingly difficult for me to see past. I see the difficulties, I see the clouds, and my soul faints within me. Eddie also said this weekend we don't believe truth because we see the proof, we believe it because it is truth. I know God hears my prayers. And all I want to do is cry constantly because I have been serving so hard for so long that it's become about the people and ministry and not about Jesus. And that's not what I want my life to be about.
I am hungry again for Jesus, lovesick and broken and a wreck. I am aware of my weakness tonight. I am aware that I am wrong, so wrong in so many areas and unable or unwilling even at times to change myself. I have believed that God isn't good, that I will always have to provide for myself, that no one will be there for me, and that though people say they love me, they will not go with me into the dark of my heart and father me there. I am searching for the Father tonight.
Somehow I always want to preform for my Daddy. I want to be a success to make Him proud, make Him love me. I don't want to disappoint Him. I believe God's love is conditional at times; if I mess up or make a mistake, His love is taken away. I have to appease His anger somehow, and He's not going to give me the affection I long for from Him, build me up and praise me for doing something from my heart. If it doesn't fit in with a "normal" life, then it doesn't count. I know these are lies, and yet my heart, oh my foolish heart still believes them. They color my existence right now.
And even here, even in my sorrow, He knows me. He knew today would come. He has time for me, and He wants to begin to dream with me again. He wants me to believe the dream that fairy tales do come true, that I am my Daddy's princess, that He loves me with an everlasting love and so He continues to draw me with His loving kindness. He tells me what He is going to do before He does it. He gives me the time I need to be with Him. It's amazing that sometimes we even have to go further into aloneness to be able to know the depth of the love of God. Jesus withdrew...not to get away from God, but to be with Him.
So I'm withdrawing for a season. I am going to rest for a minute, get refocused, and settle some issues in my heart. I came to Oregon wanting to know God, wanting to be a wife, a mother, and an artist. The DNA of IHOP runs through me. Even when I was living like hell, (and I do mean this literally) I still had those truths coursing through my veins. I haven't believed that God can preform what He says He will do even as I have watched it unfold, not only in my own life, but also in the lives of others. I need this settled in my heart. And that is something only God can do for me. I can't live out someone else's ideals any longer. I have to live out the truth God placed in my heart regardless of weather I see the proof or not. So I am going back to the hidden place of prayer, away from the crowds, away from the people, away from the microphone. Just for a moment, I am going to the place of intimacy with Jesus. I know I will return to the House of Wine, to the Banqueting Hall, but I need a moment away with my Lover. I need Him to show me how He is providing for me, what the next step is, and how long each season lasts.
When I have found Him, I will not let Him go.
Oil lamps were used in Biblical times to serve them as our light bulbs serve us today. A flax, or wick, would be put in a clay pot filled with oil, and then the flax would be lit to give light to the room. But sometimes, the oil ran low, or the flax would need to be trimmed to keep the fire burning. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the light would fade as the flax got older.
So, as I sit here on the last day of the Refreshing Conference, I am finding that I am drawn to the tenderness of Jesus. I know I hear Him. I prayed on Friday as the team was arriving Isaiah 56:1-7. I prayed that was what God would do in our midst. Eddie B from IHOP tried to preach Isaiah 56:7 three times, and God decided to do show and tell instead. And yet, though I know my prayers made the difference there, I am not feeling refreshed. I am feeling like a smoking flax.
I need my vision to be above the cloud cover that I see so often around me. I'll never forget the day the Lord spoke that to me. And Eddie spoke about it this weekend. Yet, I find that life below the clouds is amazingly difficult for me to see past. I see the difficulties, I see the clouds, and my soul faints within me. Eddie also said this weekend we don't believe truth because we see the proof, we believe it because it is truth. I know God hears my prayers. And all I want to do is cry constantly because I have been serving so hard for so long that it's become about the people and ministry and not about Jesus. And that's not what I want my life to be about.
I am hungry again for Jesus, lovesick and broken and a wreck. I am aware of my weakness tonight. I am aware that I am wrong, so wrong in so many areas and unable or unwilling even at times to change myself. I have believed that God isn't good, that I will always have to provide for myself, that no one will be there for me, and that though people say they love me, they will not go with me into the dark of my heart and father me there. I am searching for the Father tonight.
Somehow I always want to preform for my Daddy. I want to be a success to make Him proud, make Him love me. I don't want to disappoint Him. I believe God's love is conditional at times; if I mess up or make a mistake, His love is taken away. I have to appease His anger somehow, and He's not going to give me the affection I long for from Him, build me up and praise me for doing something from my heart. If it doesn't fit in with a "normal" life, then it doesn't count. I know these are lies, and yet my heart, oh my foolish heart still believes them. They color my existence right now.
And even here, even in my sorrow, He knows me. He knew today would come. He has time for me, and He wants to begin to dream with me again. He wants me to believe the dream that fairy tales do come true, that I am my Daddy's princess, that He loves me with an everlasting love and so He continues to draw me with His loving kindness. He tells me what He is going to do before He does it. He gives me the time I need to be with Him. It's amazing that sometimes we even have to go further into aloneness to be able to know the depth of the love of God. Jesus withdrew...not to get away from God, but to be with Him.
So I'm withdrawing for a season. I am going to rest for a minute, get refocused, and settle some issues in my heart. I came to Oregon wanting to know God, wanting to be a wife, a mother, and an artist. The DNA of IHOP runs through me. Even when I was living like hell, (and I do mean this literally) I still had those truths coursing through my veins. I haven't believed that God can preform what He says He will do even as I have watched it unfold, not only in my own life, but also in the lives of others. I need this settled in my heart. And that is something only God can do for me. I can't live out someone else's ideals any longer. I have to live out the truth God placed in my heart regardless of weather I see the proof or not. So I am going back to the hidden place of prayer, away from the crowds, away from the people, away from the microphone. Just for a moment, I am going to the place of intimacy with Jesus. I know I will return to the House of Wine, to the Banqueting Hall, but I need a moment away with my Lover. I need Him to show me how He is providing for me, what the next step is, and how long each season lasts.
When I have found Him, I will not let Him go.
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