Break the Silence
My cousin pointed out that it is domestic violence awareness month. Ouch. I could go on a tangent about politics right here, but I won't. I could say a lot of things, but there is only one thing really important to share.
And that one thing is sorrow. You know, for the longest time, I thought it was my fault. If I had been skinnier, more gothic, blonde, worked harder, or respected and loved him more, he would have stopped. If I had given into all of his demands, somehow the nightly fights would end, the intimidation and fear that made up my world would cease, and he would stop punishing me. I would cry crocodile tears in his presence, and he would not comfort me, would not back down, nothing made him stop.
There were drugs and alcohol involved. There were other women involved. I thought the bruise marks on my arms from his hands were normal. And somehow, I thought I would win. He loved how smart I was, loved the power of pulling one over on me. But he never really loved me. My therapist says she doesn't think he was capable of it.
So my question is, do we know the signs? The whirlwind romance, the too good to be true feeling, the consumption of all our time and energy... well, they are a bit telling. Do friends and family members think something might be off? Does this person paint a picture of reality that's just not real? And, do they allow you time to get to know them, to make up your mind about them, or does everything have to happen right now?
I love romance, but I wish I would have known better. I was young and I was warned by friends and family members. Did you know, that it takes on average 8 attempts and 5 years for most women to leave domestic violence situations? When I talk about it now, it feels far and away. But I am still sad I went through it, of all things, in the name of love.
Kindness melts my heart now. I am weary of most relationships I have. I probably cry bull shit more than I should (or is necessary). I am constantly looking for people's actions and words to match up now. And, frankly, there are just some people my instincts now tell me not to trust. My ex was one of those people. And I am learning to listen to my gut the first time around.
My plea to you tonight is this: learn the signs of domestic violence and predators. Be open and honest with at least one other outside voice about your relationship. And if you feel like there is something wrong, there probably is. Seek help. You're not alone. Others have gone through it too and have come out the other side with more compassion for others, deeper joy for everyday life, and strength they did not know was in them. These years of being single have been so much better than being married ever was for me.
And if you need to talk, I will listen. Anyone who has been through this will listen. And hopefully, when you're done, they will show you a better way.
But if the memories get stuck, and you don't want to talk about it, that's ok too. Just go at your own pace and know that you're not alone.
I survived. Others have survived. YOU WILL TOO!
And... you are allowed to thrive.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-jacobs/early-warning-signs-of-an_b_6009076.html
http://www.joinonelove.org/define_10_signs?gclid=Cj0KEQjwvve_BRDmg9Kt9ufO15EBEiQAKoc6qsoOon5nA6JAZZrs18UiNkhhbXhX9tube23COzL4c3YaAmUM8P8HAQ
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert
And that one thing is sorrow. You know, for the longest time, I thought it was my fault. If I had been skinnier, more gothic, blonde, worked harder, or respected and loved him more, he would have stopped. If I had given into all of his demands, somehow the nightly fights would end, the intimidation and fear that made up my world would cease, and he would stop punishing me. I would cry crocodile tears in his presence, and he would not comfort me, would not back down, nothing made him stop.
There were drugs and alcohol involved. There were other women involved. I thought the bruise marks on my arms from his hands were normal. And somehow, I thought I would win. He loved how smart I was, loved the power of pulling one over on me. But he never really loved me. My therapist says she doesn't think he was capable of it.
So my question is, do we know the signs? The whirlwind romance, the too good to be true feeling, the consumption of all our time and energy... well, they are a bit telling. Do friends and family members think something might be off? Does this person paint a picture of reality that's just not real? And, do they allow you time to get to know them, to make up your mind about them, or does everything have to happen right now?
I love romance, but I wish I would have known better. I was young and I was warned by friends and family members. Did you know, that it takes on average 8 attempts and 5 years for most women to leave domestic violence situations? When I talk about it now, it feels far and away. But I am still sad I went through it, of all things, in the name of love.
Kindness melts my heart now. I am weary of most relationships I have. I probably cry bull shit more than I should (or is necessary). I am constantly looking for people's actions and words to match up now. And, frankly, there are just some people my instincts now tell me not to trust. My ex was one of those people. And I am learning to listen to my gut the first time around.
My plea to you tonight is this: learn the signs of domestic violence and predators. Be open and honest with at least one other outside voice about your relationship. And if you feel like there is something wrong, there probably is. Seek help. You're not alone. Others have gone through it too and have come out the other side with more compassion for others, deeper joy for everyday life, and strength they did not know was in them. These years of being single have been so much better than being married ever was for me.
And if you need to talk, I will listen. Anyone who has been through this will listen. And hopefully, when you're done, they will show you a better way.
But if the memories get stuck, and you don't want to talk about it, that's ok too. Just go at your own pace and know that you're not alone.
I survived. Others have survived. YOU WILL TOO!
And... you are allowed to thrive.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-jacobs/early-warning-signs-of-an_b_6009076.html
http://www.joinonelove.org/define_10_signs?gclid=Cj0KEQjwvve_BRDmg9Kt9ufO15EBEiQAKoc6qsoOon5nA6JAZZrs18UiNkhhbXhX9tube23COzL4c3YaAmUM8P8HAQ
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert
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