Leaving Things Unsaid
Perspectives change over time. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I know it to be truth. One of my therapists told me that we go from one side of the pendulum to another. Extremes seem to be easier than finding a middle ground, and maybe that's just because of the momentum we have going into them. At any rate, I find a few of my views evolving once more.
Mostly, it's in regards to holding my tongue. I have been known in many circles as the girl who said what everyone was thinking but were not brash enough to let it escape. I have done my share of arguing with the loudest voice in the room, the unchangeable opinion holder who is not open to conversation but only proving a point. And, like many people I know, I have tried to change others. The last month has been strangely different for me.
Rather than seek to change the culture I am in, I have worked to understand it, really grasp it, and then decide if I could be that woman that could fit into it. At work, I learned a new skill, and found that the way the company I worked for was doing it didn't fit me. So I am taking that skill to another job. Hopefully, the culture fits at this one. I don't know how much strength I have left to try on new employment. Today, my former boss asked me what I was doing. She didn't ask why, but she hinted at it. Sometimes, we're not a good fit for the job we're being asked to do. Lucky people (and determined) are able to get themselves to the next thing. But until you can, having the best possible attitude and doing the best job imaginable is the only way to preserve your reputation. Today they call it brand. I call it character. Doesn't matter how much you hate the job. If you get paid to do it, do the best job you can while you have it.
More troubling to me was saying goodbye to a new friend. I started dating again three weeks ago, and the man I spent my time with is incredibly thoughtful, fun, and big hearted. He's a great catch, but I couldn't get myself to feel anything for him beyond friendship. He wanted to know why I shut it all down, and I honestly could only tell him that I didn't feel how he felt about me. There was so much he wanted to process with me, but I left it on the table. I realized that day that I could not be safe and help him though his grief. It was something I learned while I was with him. I missed an event I was supposed to go to in order to attend his birthday.
Our life is comprised of the choices we make. Someone told me yesterday, "You are who you are today. Your past does not determine who you are. You've worked to become something else." I hope it's good. Today, I turned the to do list into a to done list. Yesterday, I couldn't get my eyes to stay open. I wonder often if my choices are causing harm to others or myself, and how I can become the woman of my own dreams. I am starting to understand that I can't get there alone, and yet, I am not sure who I should enlist to go with me. Some people have enlisted themselves, and I am forever grateful for their company along the way.
But there is a part of being with people that means leaving some things unsaid. They call it THINK in recovery circles. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? I have often stopped at the T and not thought about the others. I can't change a company's culture. And I won't change someone who is walking their own journey toward recovery. Maybe what we need is more thinking in this world and a few more things left unsaid.
Mostly, it's in regards to holding my tongue. I have been known in many circles as the girl who said what everyone was thinking but were not brash enough to let it escape. I have done my share of arguing with the loudest voice in the room, the unchangeable opinion holder who is not open to conversation but only proving a point. And, like many people I know, I have tried to change others. The last month has been strangely different for me.
Rather than seek to change the culture I am in, I have worked to understand it, really grasp it, and then decide if I could be that woman that could fit into it. At work, I learned a new skill, and found that the way the company I worked for was doing it didn't fit me. So I am taking that skill to another job. Hopefully, the culture fits at this one. I don't know how much strength I have left to try on new employment. Today, my former boss asked me what I was doing. She didn't ask why, but she hinted at it. Sometimes, we're not a good fit for the job we're being asked to do. Lucky people (and determined) are able to get themselves to the next thing. But until you can, having the best possible attitude and doing the best job imaginable is the only way to preserve your reputation. Today they call it brand. I call it character. Doesn't matter how much you hate the job. If you get paid to do it, do the best job you can while you have it.
More troubling to me was saying goodbye to a new friend. I started dating again three weeks ago, and the man I spent my time with is incredibly thoughtful, fun, and big hearted. He's a great catch, but I couldn't get myself to feel anything for him beyond friendship. He wanted to know why I shut it all down, and I honestly could only tell him that I didn't feel how he felt about me. There was so much he wanted to process with me, but I left it on the table. I realized that day that I could not be safe and help him though his grief. It was something I learned while I was with him. I missed an event I was supposed to go to in order to attend his birthday.
Our life is comprised of the choices we make. Someone told me yesterday, "You are who you are today. Your past does not determine who you are. You've worked to become something else." I hope it's good. Today, I turned the to do list into a to done list. Yesterday, I couldn't get my eyes to stay open. I wonder often if my choices are causing harm to others or myself, and how I can become the woman of my own dreams. I am starting to understand that I can't get there alone, and yet, I am not sure who I should enlist to go with me. Some people have enlisted themselves, and I am forever grateful for their company along the way.
But there is a part of being with people that means leaving some things unsaid. They call it THINK in recovery circles. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? I have often stopped at the T and not thought about the others. I can't change a company's culture. And I won't change someone who is walking their own journey toward recovery. Maybe what we need is more thinking in this world and a few more things left unsaid.
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