Holding it up to the Light
I am leaving SHOP today. I put in my two weeks notice on the 26th of January, and now I am going away. It's been an amazing journey. At times, I've thought my life would be complete if all I ever did was stay in the prayer room forever. There have been other times when I have resented, fought against, and bemoaned the choice I made to come on staff. And now, now I have to turn over a new leaf and do something differently in order to honor the Lord with my wealth. I need to get a job and move forward.
As I have been reflecting on the year and a half of my life I've spent at SHOP, I see the growth. I see that the waiting has produced in me a certainty of the sovereignty of God, something that my heart had been questioning for a very long time. I see that my time has been redeemed, my heart healed, and I can begin again. I know I can go in peace now. Before, I was immobilized, and peace was not something that I was able to fine anywhere.
I'm resorting to going back into the fields. Paul was a tent maker, and I cannot afford to live getting further and further into debt every year. And so, while I am and always will be a prophet and a priest to my God, I join Paul in the sector of the marketplace because I need to eat, need to have a roof over my head, and need to be able to give and fund what the Lord calls me to do. It's not self-reliance as it was years ago, rather it's an acknowledgment of the grace on my life.
He said this was going to be a season of further set apart-ness. I don't know what that means. He said there would be finances for SHOP in two months. Todd thinks I will be coming back to SHOP in two months. I don't know if that is the case. What I do know is that my heart needs a very private, very secret place with God for a while, and I'm not finding it in the setting of corporate day and night prayer and worship. Rather, I am stressed, fatigued that there is so much to do, that there is so little to show for it, and that it doesn't ever seem to be enough. I know these are lies, but sometimes they are easy to believe, lately they've been easy to believe.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, my mother said to me today. Well, if I cannot count on anything, than why invest in it? I don't want to spend my life just trying for whatever I can get and just being thankful I have a job. I want to thrive. I don't want to live up to my parents' standards, what they deem is ok and acceptable for my life. I want to follow after what Jesus says is ok and acceptable for my life. That means finance, relationships, food, clothing, shelter, time management, everything. I have been listening to everyone else and their ideas for so long, that I don't know what I truly think and feel in these areas. I need to know. And so down a different road I go.
The time alone, well, I think this route will prove to be useful, even if it is only two months. I need to have some things settled in my heart, otherwise, it's always going to be a tug of war when people tell me I should do this or should not do that. I simply need to be able to rest at the end of the day, knowing I've spent this day how Jesus ordained it to be spent, and letting Him take care of anything I CANNOT make sense of. May you find rest for your soul in Him and on whatever road He asks you to travel.
As I have been reflecting on the year and a half of my life I've spent at SHOP, I see the growth. I see that the waiting has produced in me a certainty of the sovereignty of God, something that my heart had been questioning for a very long time. I see that my time has been redeemed, my heart healed, and I can begin again. I know I can go in peace now. Before, I was immobilized, and peace was not something that I was able to fine anywhere.
I'm resorting to going back into the fields. Paul was a tent maker, and I cannot afford to live getting further and further into debt every year. And so, while I am and always will be a prophet and a priest to my God, I join Paul in the sector of the marketplace because I need to eat, need to have a roof over my head, and need to be able to give and fund what the Lord calls me to do. It's not self-reliance as it was years ago, rather it's an acknowledgment of the grace on my life.
He said this was going to be a season of further set apart-ness. I don't know what that means. He said there would be finances for SHOP in two months. Todd thinks I will be coming back to SHOP in two months. I don't know if that is the case. What I do know is that my heart needs a very private, very secret place with God for a while, and I'm not finding it in the setting of corporate day and night prayer and worship. Rather, I am stressed, fatigued that there is so much to do, that there is so little to show for it, and that it doesn't ever seem to be enough. I know these are lies, but sometimes they are easy to believe, lately they've been easy to believe.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, my mother said to me today. Well, if I cannot count on anything, than why invest in it? I don't want to spend my life just trying for whatever I can get and just being thankful I have a job. I want to thrive. I don't want to live up to my parents' standards, what they deem is ok and acceptable for my life. I want to follow after what Jesus says is ok and acceptable for my life. That means finance, relationships, food, clothing, shelter, time management, everything. I have been listening to everyone else and their ideas for so long, that I don't know what I truly think and feel in these areas. I need to know. And so down a different road I go.
The time alone, well, I think this route will prove to be useful, even if it is only two months. I need to have some things settled in my heart, otherwise, it's always going to be a tug of war when people tell me I should do this or should not do that. I simply need to be able to rest at the end of the day, knowing I've spent this day how Jesus ordained it to be spent, and letting Him take care of anything I CANNOT make sense of. May you find rest for your soul in Him and on whatever road He asks you to travel.
| Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920. |
| 1. The Road Not Taken |
| TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, | |
| And sorry I could not travel both | |
| And be one traveler, long I stood | |
| And looked down one as far as I could | |
| To where it bent in the undergrowth; | 5 |
| Then took the other, as just as fair, | |
| And having perhaps the better claim, | |
| Because it was grassy and wanted wear; | |
| Though as for that the passing there | |
| Had worn them really about the same, | 10 |
| And both that morning equally lay | |
| In leaves no step had trodden black. | |
| Oh, I kept the first for another day! | |
| Yet knowing how way leads on to way, | |
| I doubted if I should ever come back. | 15 |
| I shall be telling this with a sigh | |
| Somewhere ages and ages hence: | |
| Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— | |
| I took the one less traveled by, | |
| And that has made all the difference. | 20 |
That you find what you seek is my prayer for you! You are so amazing! I miss you, but with the bittersweetness that knows you must be away for the best to unfold. If you return to staff or not, I will always be blessed to call you friend. I love you Amy LeiLani Tobey!
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