Meds

My brain feels sluggish already and it's been all of five minutes since I increased my dose per doctors order to 100mg. Tomorrow, I hope I am not hell to work with. If I am, Ryan will laugh, and I will feel bad about it later. But it takes about four days to feel like a normal person after increased medicine. Hopefully this time is the last time I have to step up like this.

My well woman stuff is all free. My mental health services, they cost a lot of money. I told Daniel this week that it's expensive to be sick, and I stand by that statement. One day, if I ever find myself in an advantageous situation, I would like to be able to facilitate low cost services for those in need. The struggle is real. Our society values population control more than mental acuity (and forgive me if I use words wrong tonight, but I don't have the capacity to look anything up right now). It's something that has occurred to me as I go from appointment to appointment throughout my days. My life feels like a never-ending stream of them.

I am sharing this journey with you in hopes that you'll have the strength to be scared and do the scary thing anyway. I am terrified that I will always need the pills, that my thoughts of never waking up again to self destruction will never go away. Sometimes I feel like this is a life sentence, one I don't wish on anyone else.

It's scary to me because I cannot invite anyone to share in it responsibly. I know first hand the pain of loving someone with mental illness and not being able to do anything about it. But I know I need help, so I am trying to let others in regardless, giving full disclosure beforehand. People get as close or stay as far as they choose to. And that's ok.

So, if you run into me in the next few days and I am raging, it's me, not you. Know that I love you all, that I don't have any answers, and that my head is extremely fuzzy right now. Spell check has helped me write most of this!

Be kind to each other. All my love.