The art of humanity

I feel grateful at night. I am thankful to have made it through another day alive. I wonder if this is the same sort of relief addicts experience after another day of sobriety. It's humbling to be thankful for something everyone else seems to take for granted.
Today, my appetite came back in force. At lunch and dinner time at work, all I wanted to do was eat as much as humanly possible. My stomach is full right now, and I didn't have to force myself to eat anything. It happened naturally. So, maybe this crazy medicine that has been absolutely hellacious is working.
The strange part about this illness is the way it's forcing me to accept my humanity. I want to say I don't need people, that I am better off without them, that they don't need me or I have nothing of worth to contribute, but I am finding out that it simply isn't true. I do need others. I would be missed if I were to venture on to the other realm or nothingness, and I still have more to give.
I am not pushing myself for perfection, though. My apartment needs a good deep cleaning. I don't remember the last time I planned my meals out. And my social graces are lacking. Somehow, I am ok with this because I am still breathing. That's a bigger accomplishment to me these days than any check list could ever be.
I joined an online support group for depression and PTSD. You know what? So many people are afraid of being locked up that they'd rather kill themselves than seek help. I find it sad. We're rejecting the things that could save us because we're afraid of being detained and stigmatized. No one wants to be the luny in the bin. But aren't we all a little luny?
So I am learning the art of being human. I am learning to share my experiences as well as listen to others. I am not always the best listener, and sometimes I frighten those I love away with my aggression or sorrows. But I figure the ones I want in my life will love me for me and allow me to become.
I also have decided I shouldn't limit how people can love me. I am not going to infect anyone with my malady. It's ok to let others care.
Anyway, those are my thoughts tonight. Hopefully this medicine will help me to find other reasons to rejoice, and I won't be fighting my brain for life anymore. Thanks for sharing in my journey.