Love is worth the risk
I can't really say what I am feeling. It's true. When I am face to face with someone, and the emotions go deep, I play with my hair, or hide in the corner, or try to walk away. Destructive past behaviors that don't work for me today. Acting like a child is no way to have adult friendships or relationships in your life. But that's partly the reason for therapy. I want to learn how to act like an adult instead of behaving like a child constantly.
And then the news of Isaac's death crashed into me today, and what do you say? It's happened again? These are life choices, choices that he made and I am sure was willing to live with. I'm not sure about die with though. Those questions of mortality are harder to answer. But it feels like another loss to alcohol and drugs because it is. And I don't know how to quit loving people who have alcohol and drug problems, nor do I know how to live with their addictions. So I don't. I live with Thor, and don't engage with the rest of the world. How do I relate to people who don't have family problems like I have experienced? How do I begin to live a normal, healthy life, the kind I envisioned with you?
I don't know. It hurts a bit to know you weren't willing to help me learn, didn't want to waste my time. It also hurts to know that I fail to meet up to expectations. I don't know how to keep the crack in my heart from ripping open at random and gushing out. I don't know how to live without the drama. I don't even know how to really take care of myself. But I am willing to learn. And I'm working my ass off to learn. And I'm so tired of justifying my being to everyone whom I love. I thought love was supposed to be bigger than all of that.
I hope one day, someone will want me enough to breathe with me through it all, to know when I need help and when to let me figure it out on my own. I hope I can learn to not bother with people who will just leave me in the end, but do we ever know those people immediately? The scary thing is, I think I sometimes do and am just unwilling to listen to my gut when it tells me, "Danger, Will Robinson." These thoughts distract me from my studies tonight. My tears for Isaac and his family distract me from my studies tonight.
I still believe love is worth the risk. I am unsure how to live that belief out, but I hope to find a way. I hope to be able to keep my heart open to love while creating a safe place in the world for myself. But I'm not exactly sure that loving is safe. After all, we can lose what we love, and that's an ache that's hard on the heart and can be devastatingly difficult to recover from if recovery is ever possible. I don't think we're supposed to recover from love. Yet somehow we have to square with the fact that everyone dies. And I'm not sure how to do that either.
Yet I still believe love is worth the risk.
And then the news of Isaac's death crashed into me today, and what do you say? It's happened again? These are life choices, choices that he made and I am sure was willing to live with. I'm not sure about die with though. Those questions of mortality are harder to answer. But it feels like another loss to alcohol and drugs because it is. And I don't know how to quit loving people who have alcohol and drug problems, nor do I know how to live with their addictions. So I don't. I live with Thor, and don't engage with the rest of the world. How do I relate to people who don't have family problems like I have experienced? How do I begin to live a normal, healthy life, the kind I envisioned with you?
I don't know. It hurts a bit to know you weren't willing to help me learn, didn't want to waste my time. It also hurts to know that I fail to meet up to expectations. I don't know how to keep the crack in my heart from ripping open at random and gushing out. I don't know how to live without the drama. I don't even know how to really take care of myself. But I am willing to learn. And I'm working my ass off to learn. And I'm so tired of justifying my being to everyone whom I love. I thought love was supposed to be bigger than all of that.
I hope one day, someone will want me enough to breathe with me through it all, to know when I need help and when to let me figure it out on my own. I hope I can learn to not bother with people who will just leave me in the end, but do we ever know those people immediately? The scary thing is, I think I sometimes do and am just unwilling to listen to my gut when it tells me, "Danger, Will Robinson." These thoughts distract me from my studies tonight. My tears for Isaac and his family distract me from my studies tonight.
I still believe love is worth the risk. I am unsure how to live that belief out, but I hope to find a way. I hope to be able to keep my heart open to love while creating a safe place in the world for myself. But I'm not exactly sure that loving is safe. After all, we can lose what we love, and that's an ache that's hard on the heart and can be devastatingly difficult to recover from if recovery is ever possible. I don't think we're supposed to recover from love. Yet somehow we have to square with the fact that everyone dies. And I'm not sure how to do that either.
Yet I still believe love is worth the risk.
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