Quandaries on Faith
I have been thinking a lot about faith and intelligence lately, namely science and faith and how they relate. I have a history of radical church attendance. At one point in my life, I was "praying" 6 days a week for 12 hour days. My first marriage was a direct result of my believing that God told me to marry my ex, and I remained in the abuse of that marriage for five years because I was convinced God was trying to teach me something.
When I was 27, I moved to Newberg and met a clown turned barista named Curtis. When I asked him to teach me about evolution (something my education was lacking in due to all my science courses being taught from a creationist view point) he handed me a book called The Greatest Show on Earth. I still chuckle at the irony. I read the book ferociously, convinced that the secrets of the universe would now be unveiled to me. Sadly, I was mistaken. I got to the end of the book for the whopping conclusion of, we don't know what happened. I think we know more each day, but as far as having a confirmed answer as to how this all got here, the meaning of life, and the best way to live, well, it's not as black and white as I grew up believing.
One of my boyfriends accused me of being too scientific. He hated that I was constantly asking why. Another accused me of not being scientific enough. He couldn't understand how I could be satisfied with how much mystery I encountered in the universe.
Eventually, I stopped going to church. It started off because of work. I worked every weekend, pulling three part time jobs to make it through my undergrad. And yes, I still have a ton of student debt. Then, I tried to go back to church. But I had spent time with feminists, time with the LGBTQ community and others who were actively questioning their faith. When I tried to ask the questions, the really hard ones about, "Did there have to be an Adam and Eve for there to be a Jesus?", "How could God send someone to hell for loving someone else?," and "Why do I have to submit to someone because they were born with a penis?" the answers weren't there. I was told, I had to take it on faith.
I still look. I cannot, however, bow my knee in allegiance to a faith that is unwilling to accept the evidence they can see and touch, the mysteries of God's creation revealed to those who dare to explore, simply because it does not fit their paradigm of who God should be or how he/or she should behave. I cannot condone the killing or economic enslavement of the other (people or groups that differ from my own) simply because they are not "following God's will." These objections have plagued the church, and many men and women of faith have risen to protest them.
So, while I want to belong to this community, it has been hard to find my place in it. The head and the heart are not separate but belong to the same body, the same person. The idea of spirit is that it belongs to the same being as well. When we dissect our spiritual lives from our physical existence and the world in which we live in, we are no longer in harmony with God nor are we loving our fellow man. This has always seemed self-evident to me.
It seems to me the most interesting plot is that of man versus himself. Our own struggles to carve out the meaning of existence, to be the person we wish to be known and remembered as, and to find some joy in life, this is the stuff of legend. The cut and dry answers, the pre-learned party line to placate the earnest question simply will not do. Faith must be experienced and impact everyday living in order to be of any real value.
For the homeless, the foster children, the prisoners, the sick and those struggling to get by, faith must be the spark that begins to cure their ails. And I don't know how, but I will be thinking on it and asking the question until I know the answer. I don't believe Jesus was about giving people a good feeling, but about radical social change. The kind that made the religious establishment of his day so angry that they killed him. For all of the Holy Spirit prayer meetings I have been to, I have yet to experience a society where there were no homeless people, foster kids didn't need to worry about being raped, the sick were all taken care of (without worry of bankruptcy) and those who were struggling to get by knew their neighbor had their back and they would return the favor. That's the kind of shake up I think Jesus was about. How do we get there from here?
When I was 27, I moved to Newberg and met a clown turned barista named Curtis. When I asked him to teach me about evolution (something my education was lacking in due to all my science courses being taught from a creationist view point) he handed me a book called The Greatest Show on Earth. I still chuckle at the irony. I read the book ferociously, convinced that the secrets of the universe would now be unveiled to me. Sadly, I was mistaken. I got to the end of the book for the whopping conclusion of, we don't know what happened. I think we know more each day, but as far as having a confirmed answer as to how this all got here, the meaning of life, and the best way to live, well, it's not as black and white as I grew up believing.
One of my boyfriends accused me of being too scientific. He hated that I was constantly asking why. Another accused me of not being scientific enough. He couldn't understand how I could be satisfied with how much mystery I encountered in the universe.
Eventually, I stopped going to church. It started off because of work. I worked every weekend, pulling three part time jobs to make it through my undergrad. And yes, I still have a ton of student debt. Then, I tried to go back to church. But I had spent time with feminists, time with the LGBTQ community and others who were actively questioning their faith. When I tried to ask the questions, the really hard ones about, "Did there have to be an Adam and Eve for there to be a Jesus?", "How could God send someone to hell for loving someone else?," and "Why do I have to submit to someone because they were born with a penis?" the answers weren't there. I was told, I had to take it on faith.
I still look. I cannot, however, bow my knee in allegiance to a faith that is unwilling to accept the evidence they can see and touch, the mysteries of God's creation revealed to those who dare to explore, simply because it does not fit their paradigm of who God should be or how he/or she should behave. I cannot condone the killing or economic enslavement of the other (people or groups that differ from my own) simply because they are not "following God's will." These objections have plagued the church, and many men and women of faith have risen to protest them.
So, while I want to belong to this community, it has been hard to find my place in it. The head and the heart are not separate but belong to the same body, the same person. The idea of spirit is that it belongs to the same being as well. When we dissect our spiritual lives from our physical existence and the world in which we live in, we are no longer in harmony with God nor are we loving our fellow man. This has always seemed self-evident to me.
It seems to me the most interesting plot is that of man versus himself. Our own struggles to carve out the meaning of existence, to be the person we wish to be known and remembered as, and to find some joy in life, this is the stuff of legend. The cut and dry answers, the pre-learned party line to placate the earnest question simply will not do. Faith must be experienced and impact everyday living in order to be of any real value.
For the homeless, the foster children, the prisoners, the sick and those struggling to get by, faith must be the spark that begins to cure their ails. And I don't know how, but I will be thinking on it and asking the question until I know the answer. I don't believe Jesus was about giving people a good feeling, but about radical social change. The kind that made the religious establishment of his day so angry that they killed him. For all of the Holy Spirit prayer meetings I have been to, I have yet to experience a society where there were no homeless people, foster kids didn't need to worry about being raped, the sick were all taken care of (without worry of bankruptcy) and those who were struggling to get by knew their neighbor had their back and they would return the favor. That's the kind of shake up I think Jesus was about. How do we get there from here?
Comments
Post a Comment