Beloved

I see Him as a Lover. It happened in the crucible of divorce for me. Here I was, hungry heart in hand, ashamed of myself for breaking my oath to Him and my ex-husband. And He entered my world as Lover, Husband, Best Friend, Confidante and Savior. Jesus showed up in my ashes, my broken existence, insisting that there was nothing I had done or could ever do to drive Him away. He loved me no matter what.

He came to me in a dream and spoke it, voice like waters that went on forever, like the purest choir I had ever heard. I knew when He spoke that His Words would go on forever, that they could never be destroyed. I knew that He would not change His mind.

He told me that He loved me and I would have what I needed when I needed it. Two simple concepts, promises, theological cornerstones, yet how they have challenged me and shaped me in the five years hence.

I would like to tell you that I have a perfect personal track record since that day, but it would be a lie. What I can tell you is that He walks with me.

I was sleeping with a lover two years ago, and He woke me up in the middle of the night whispering in my ear, "A wife of nobel character who can find?" I cried on his bathroom floor and broke up with him a week later.

But that wasn't the end of my wandering. However, now I want to honor Him with my body. I have not figured out what that looks like. All I know is something with as much creative force as sex has is holy, sacred in the same way all creation is. So I am finally valuing it and looking for more than a biological response from the experience.

But these gifts He gives me are just ridiculous, like clothing before I ask and a bag of coffee from my favorite place won at a raffle a week after I thought to myself, "I would like some, but it's too expensive." Things like a Bible study that speaks to me right where I am at and a friend on days when I am low tell me He's there.

I think what I am really trying to say is, He romances me. It's in a million different ways. I don't have time to tell of all of them because He's so attentive. Every day, He shows His love towards me. He never gets tired when I miss it, never gets angry when I sin. He just keeps romancing me. He loves me. Unconditionally. Even when I am suicidal. He loves me.

I don't know how to respond to human love, much less the love of God. I am learning to just let it wrap around me, to let the heartbeat calm my fears, and to accept that I don't deserve this, but I could never earn it. This scandalous love is what I hold onto, even as I am at a loss as to how to reciprocate or give it to others. One day I will know. Right now, being the beloved of Jesus is enough.

May you know how scandalously loved you are.