Tragic

The tragedy of abuse is the belief that we somehow deserve it. The way this horrible awfulness is perpetuated is this agreement made between abused and abuser, between society and dictator, that allows the abuse to continue. It may not go unchallenged, but it definitely goes unchanged until this agreement is broken. The saddest part of the whole affair is that we continually seek out what we think we deserve until we're able to break those agreements.
This is my observation of myself. I am trying to break my cycle, but finding that the thought of ending my life rears its ugly head every time I act in a way outside my agreement to hate myself.
Yesterday, I went to a woman's Bible study at a church. There are good women with a reputation for faith and good deeds. I was terrified of them and spent most of my day fighting an urge to do away with myself.
A new friend was present with me, made sure I was ok, could be left alone at night. The community around me is doing this for me, helping me fight my battle. I have run out of strength to do it on my own.
One day, I won't self-destruct when I buy nice clothes, take a good paying job, make friends with people I want to be with because of their goodness, and date someone who is good for me and I am good for. One day, all the agreements I made with my abuser will be past, and he will no longer control me. Until then, I want to say thank you to all the kind people who have been patient with me, telling me I am valuable, and have been fighting this dragon for my life with me. You're a part of what I love about being human. Knowing you makes fighting depression worth it.
Keep loving others. You don't know whose life you're saving.