A cast for the heart

He looked at me from across the room, him in his black office chair, me sitting on his leather couch, leaned in and said, "When you learn that stuff (sexuality) within that context (abuse), it's not like a cut or a burn that we can cover up to heal. It's like a break that has to be set and left alone for a while. It's best to not even go anywhere near it."

What was the abuse, and what did I truly enjoy? There's no clear answer right now. My history of being treated like a tart, as one of my former lovers put it, makes sense in this context to my therapist. He says that it's much harder for people who have been used in this way to say no. Consent is something that is ignored or unknown. People don't deserve to be treated this way. I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

I am grieving over this loss lately. I enjoy the act. But I can't even get involved responsibly with anyone right now because my biology and abuse are intertwined. I am angry at people who tell me I dress immodestly, angry that sexuality is so shameful in the church that we can't even talk about it in a way that protects youngsters from abuse. And I am sad that people I have loved and trusted with all of me have been so careless and brutal with my psyche.

Farewell compliment. Please, I beg of you, teach your kids about healthy sexuality, about consent and context. Teach them the gradual stages of physical intamacy and how to stay safe if someone doesn't listen to their no. Please don't leave it to a book, conference, public figure, school system, or church. This is too important a thing to learn for someone else to teach your kids. You wouldn't fail to teach them to walk. This is equally important and will impact the quality of their relationships for the rest of their lives.

For the single and dating, be kind. See all of the other person, not just the pleasure he/she can bring you this moment. It's not like the tv or the songs or the magazines would have us believe. It's powerful and important, nothing casual about it. Remember that. And don't get married for the sex either. That's a hornets nest of disaster.

Broken appendages heal. My heart and head will too. For now, I am surrounding myself with good people; letting myself be angry, sad, disappointed, and outspoken; and desperately trying not to isolate or hide these things any longer. I need help moving forward. I didn't get here of my own devices, and I sincerely doubt my own strength will save me.

May you be courageous enough to tell your story and find redemption in the dark. May you be blessed with people who will listen. And may you always know that you are not alone.

❤