Guide to losing weight (satire)

First, get your car repossessed. That way, you have no other choice but to walk everywhere or rely on public transport and maybe the generousity of others. This will force you to gain upper body strength as well while hauling bags home from grocery shopping, present procurement, and clothing store hunts. Be sure to add plenty of time for all that walking into your schedule. What used to take three minutes will now take twenty.

Next, you're going to need to get a job in the service industry. Anything will do as long as you're required to stand for inordinate lengths of time and carry up to fifty pounds. That ought to help.

Next, develop IBS and get extremely ill when ingesting milk, soy, pit fruit, beans, and cruciferous vegetables. That will take a lot of options right off the table for you.

Follow this up with a healthy dose of depression. Eating and making food will become an unreasonable expectation, more work than anyone should be expected to do, and a complete distraction from remuneration over how bad life is.

When you're done with that, go to the doctor. He'll tell you you're not working out enough and need to exercise for forty minutes three times a week. Then find a swimming pool a half hour walk away and attempt to make it in the rain, sleet, snow and heat.

This is my plan for weight loss, why I look so good, what I am doing. You know what? It's ridiculous. Could we please stop judging each other's sizes and just take each other as we are? Let's be responsible for our own health and quit trying to find a one size fits all solution for how to get a bikini body. At the end of the day, your body is your home. You deserve to decide what kind of home you live in.

Thank you for the compliments, but maybe try something deeper next time... Lots of love.